In the US, the phrase has become a cliche. It's synonymous with "The Land of Opportunity". It was on a poster in at least one of my teachers' classrooms every year of grade school. It's every baby-boomer parent's dream for their child. It's the millennial battlecry.
"Be Yourself" (or "bee yourself" when the poster had an illustration of a bee on it).
I grew up to this mantra playing on repeat in the back of my mind. I continually strove to live up to this no-standard standard. I never tried to be trendy, and, as a matter of fact, I tried to be as un-trendy as possible. I always spoke my mind. I never pretended to be happy if I wasn't. I admitted proudly to others that I didn't like meeting people.
To clarify, I didn't just happen to be that way out of nowhere. Much of this attitude came about because I was picked on in elementary school, and I quickly realised that popular, trendy kids were not going to like me. It was going to be a lot easier if I just didn't care what they thought. So I didn't. And I vowed silently to myself that I would be true to me.
And throughout middle school and high school, that worked perfectly well for me. In middle school, identifying the popular kids was pretty easy (ironically, due to the fact that they all wore camouflage jackets), but everyone else mostly flew under the radar. So I found a cozy place among the nerds, not quite a nerd myself, but just happy to be accepted. In high school, I went to a school where it was cool to be weird (it was an arts and science magnet school). We had more conventionally trendy kids in our school, but everyone knew that you couldn't get away with trying to alienate the weirdos. Our school was like 90 percent weirdos.
But what about adulthood? To me, it seems that after high school, the lines are much more blurry. You can be weird. But you still have to prove to your college professors that you are studious and eager. You can be academic. But you still have to prove to employers that you are a leader and a charismatic people-person. You can be a traveler or maybe even just someone who likes to try new things, but you still have to smile and prove to everyone that you're having a good time. You can be whatever you want to be, but you still have to prove to your friends and family that you are successful.
Suddenly, as adults, this whole "Be Yourself" campaign loses a lot of clout. And it doesn't only lose it's meaning when we hear others say it. We don't (or at least I don't) believe it anymore when we say it to ourselves.
I have struggled a lot with being myself as an adult and particularly while I've lived in Rwanda. And the core of that struggle has been the feeling that being myself was not only difficult, but wrong.
I feel like I'm wrong for not talking to everyone all the time.
I feel like I'm wrong for expressing my feelings honestly.
I feel like I'm wrong for not having a career in something like education or public health.
I feel like I'm wrong for sometimes being too nervous to speak another language, even if I know it well.
I feel like I'm wrong for being a dancer who isn't competitive.
I feel like I'm wrong for having too many different interests and not one that I have fully mastered.
I feel like I'm wrong for going to coffee shops where I know people won't stare at me.
I feel like I'm wrong for not enjoying long long long long long social events.
I have felt so wrong for so long at this point that I sometimes wonder if the world is better off if I quit trying. I wonder if Rwanda is better off if I leave. I wonder if people are better off without me. I'm not trying to get too dark here, and I want to be clear that you don't have to worry about me. But, I know for some, these thoughts can be increasingly difficult to quell.
But someone recently posted a quote on Facebook that really touched my heart in one of these very low moments of feeling so wrong:
"stop looking for what the world needs. Find out what you love and excel at that. What the world really needs is more people with a passion for life. Your passion will inspire others. You have no idea of the ripple effects this can have on the world and you don’t know who you might inspire with your passion. Sending out a vibration of love instead of sending out a vibration of anxiety and fear about what the state the world is in is in my opinion the best thing we can do. Doing what we love helps us function on a higher vibration, a higher self, a higher consciousness and brings out the humanity and beauty in all of us. And that’s what the world really needs, expansion of consciousness. Focus on yourself and stop worrying what others are doing. Clean yourself from the inside out. And that process never ends, cause when you think you reached the destination is the moment you stop learning and stop growing." -Hilde Cannoodt
And I would even go further to say that, what you love might not even be one thing. What you love might not be what you do to make money. Doing what you love to make money might even cause that thing to become what you hate. And, if you're like me, what you love might even be simply supporting people you care about in doing what they love because what you love is to see is them thriving.
And guess what. "Being yourself" might be something different than you thought it was.
For me, that was the hardest pill to swallow. Yes, I'm a dancer, and I still believe that, but, I realized that dance can't be my job. Yes, I have lots and lots of exciting creative ideas, but, I realized that I don't want to try to make things happen on my own. Following your instincts could very well be so much better for you and the world around you.
I don't want to imply that we should be driven by fear. When we want to do something for ourselves I totally believe that includes facing all of the fears that you have about failure with an iron fist. But anxiety is different than normal fear. My therapist recently told me that anxiety is your body's way of telling you what's not working. And while it's good to question why certain things give you anxiety and to deal with those things head on, there comes a time when your anxiety is telling you that you are not in a good place for YOU. You are forcing yourself into situations that make you unhappy.
Another person recently said something to me that also stuck with me. It was something along the lines of "Why are we even here if we are not doing what makes us happy?" I am more and more beginning to wonder the same thing. Why do we force ourselves to fit into the mould that the productivity-obsessed world created? Not everyone is here to fix the world's problems. Not everyone here is going to change the world through some grand global effort. But you WILL change the world in a much more meaningful way if you are living your best life.
I am just at the beginnings of exploring this space of "being myself" in the truest sense. I am excited to feel again the boldness I had in middle school to be who I am unapologetically. I am nowhere near feeling totally "right" for being myself yet. But I am very excited for who I will find on the other side, and I hope you can be inspired to start the journey, too!
"Be Yourself" (or "bee yourself" when the poster had an illustration of a bee on it).
I grew up to this mantra playing on repeat in the back of my mind. I continually strove to live up to this no-standard standard. I never tried to be trendy, and, as a matter of fact, I tried to be as un-trendy as possible. I always spoke my mind. I never pretended to be happy if I wasn't. I admitted proudly to others that I didn't like meeting people.
To clarify, I didn't just happen to be that way out of nowhere. Much of this attitude came about because I was picked on in elementary school, and I quickly realised that popular, trendy kids were not going to like me. It was going to be a lot easier if I just didn't care what they thought. So I didn't. And I vowed silently to myself that I would be true to me.
And throughout middle school and high school, that worked perfectly well for me. In middle school, identifying the popular kids was pretty easy (ironically, due to the fact that they all wore camouflage jackets), but everyone else mostly flew under the radar. So I found a cozy place among the nerds, not quite a nerd myself, but just happy to be accepted. In high school, I went to a school where it was cool to be weird (it was an arts and science magnet school). We had more conventionally trendy kids in our school, but everyone knew that you couldn't get away with trying to alienate the weirdos. Our school was like 90 percent weirdos.
But what about adulthood? To me, it seems that after high school, the lines are much more blurry. You can be weird. But you still have to prove to your college professors that you are studious and eager. You can be academic. But you still have to prove to employers that you are a leader and a charismatic people-person. You can be a traveler or maybe even just someone who likes to try new things, but you still have to smile and prove to everyone that you're having a good time. You can be whatever you want to be, but you still have to prove to your friends and family that you are successful.
Suddenly, as adults, this whole "Be Yourself" campaign loses a lot of clout. And it doesn't only lose it's meaning when we hear others say it. We don't (or at least I don't) believe it anymore when we say it to ourselves.
I have struggled a lot with being myself as an adult and particularly while I've lived in Rwanda. And the core of that struggle has been the feeling that being myself was not only difficult, but wrong.
I feel like I'm wrong for not talking to everyone all the time.
I feel like I'm wrong for expressing my feelings honestly.
I feel like I'm wrong for not having a career in something like education or public health.
I feel like I'm wrong for sometimes being too nervous to speak another language, even if I know it well.
I feel like I'm wrong for being a dancer who isn't competitive.
I feel like I'm wrong for having too many different interests and not one that I have fully mastered.
I feel like I'm wrong for going to coffee shops where I know people won't stare at me.
I feel like I'm wrong for not enjoying long long long long long social events.
I have felt so wrong for so long at this point that I sometimes wonder if the world is better off if I quit trying. I wonder if Rwanda is better off if I leave. I wonder if people are better off without me. I'm not trying to get too dark here, and I want to be clear that you don't have to worry about me. But, I know for some, these thoughts can be increasingly difficult to quell.
But someone recently posted a quote on Facebook that really touched my heart in one of these very low moments of feeling so wrong:
"stop looking for what the world needs. Find out what you love and excel at that. What the world really needs is more people with a passion for life. Your passion will inspire others. You have no idea of the ripple effects this can have on the world and you don’t know who you might inspire with your passion. Sending out a vibration of love instead of sending out a vibration of anxiety and fear about what the state the world is in is in my opinion the best thing we can do. Doing what we love helps us function on a higher vibration, a higher self, a higher consciousness and brings out the humanity and beauty in all of us. And that’s what the world really needs, expansion of consciousness. Focus on yourself and stop worrying what others are doing. Clean yourself from the inside out. And that process never ends, cause when you think you reached the destination is the moment you stop learning and stop growing." -Hilde Cannoodt
And I would even go further to say that, what you love might not even be one thing. What you love might not be what you do to make money. Doing what you love to make money might even cause that thing to become what you hate. And, if you're like me, what you love might even be simply supporting people you care about in doing what they love because what you love is to see is them thriving.
And guess what. "Being yourself" might be something different than you thought it was.
For me, that was the hardest pill to swallow. Yes, I'm a dancer, and I still believe that, but, I realized that dance can't be my job. Yes, I have lots and lots of exciting creative ideas, but, I realized that I don't want to try to make things happen on my own. Following your instincts could very well be so much better for you and the world around you.
I don't want to imply that we should be driven by fear. When we want to do something for ourselves I totally believe that includes facing all of the fears that you have about failure with an iron fist. But anxiety is different than normal fear. My therapist recently told me that anxiety is your body's way of telling you what's not working. And while it's good to question why certain things give you anxiety and to deal with those things head on, there comes a time when your anxiety is telling you that you are not in a good place for YOU. You are forcing yourself into situations that make you unhappy.
Another person recently said something to me that also stuck with me. It was something along the lines of "Why are we even here if we are not doing what makes us happy?" I am more and more beginning to wonder the same thing. Why do we force ourselves to fit into the mould that the productivity-obsessed world created? Not everyone is here to fix the world's problems. Not everyone here is going to change the world through some grand global effort. But you WILL change the world in a much more meaningful way if you are living your best life.
I am just at the beginnings of exploring this space of "being myself" in the truest sense. I am excited to feel again the boldness I had in middle school to be who I am unapologetically. I am nowhere near feeling totally "right" for being myself yet. But I am very excited for who I will find on the other side, and I hope you can be inspired to start the journey, too!
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