Magnificently Insignificant Waves

I find myself, lately, lingering a little longer than I had inteded on my sofa while I listen to my daily inspirational or educational podcast or audiobook, staring at the screensaver on the TV (a nifty Amazon Firestick feature). It's just a loop of photographs of some of the most breathtaking places around the world. Captions pop up in the bottom left corner of the screen to put a name and location to the image. I think there are a few different montages, but they all eventually repeat like a music playlist. It comes on after some toddler cartoon sits long enough on pause because my son's interest has inevitably moved on to other things. But my eyes linger on these pictures and my mind wanders. It may sound like a frivolous activity, but it has been a sort of outlet for taking in the world without being able to actually go out and experience it first hand. But, more than that, it has been almost a sort of meditation for me these days. I occasionally seek out more o...

"It's the best thing that will ever happen to you!" "It's different when it's your own child." "You'll never love anyone as much as you will love your children." "It's hard, but it is so worth it." Motherhood changes you. Of course it does. It changed my whole world. But I was always skeptical that these things people always say were really going to be true for me.   People sometimes make it sound like you will grow a pair of giant, glowing-white angel wings and weild a sword of justic, commanding all things around you to your will. Like you will be able to flawlessly love your own child so perfectly that you wouldn't possibly allow your selfish humanity ever get the better of you. Like you won't notice how constantly exhausted, achy, frustrated, hungry you are. But I still think I never quite believed all that was going to happen for me. That's why I was always on the fence about having kids in the first...

After the two of us had been sitting side by side in silence and shock for about ten minutes or so, my husband took in a breath then turned to me, "Well...Happy Mother's Day!" I laughed a very nervous laugh. It was, in fact Mother's Day, at least in the US, and not even one hour earlier, I was calling out "babe!" from the bathroom, in something akin to confused terror, looking at a very dark pink line that, in spite of having taken the test because of the very real possibility, I did not actually expect to see. I took another, since I happened to have it on hand. Maybe I had let the first one sit in the...liquid...too long. I wasn't totally familiar with these particular tests where you have to carefully dip the thin, fragile strip like a scientist in a lab, but that's what they gave me at the pharmacy. Another positive. Although a little faint this time. Fast forward to about three hours and one trip to and from the pharmacy ...

Two weeks ago today, I had my latest prenatal doctor's appointment. We found out we're having a boy. We haven't made any public announcements. We've just told family. And this would have been the case if it had been a girl, too, I think. My own personal reasoning for this is simply that I don't want my child's gender to be at the center of their identity.  But, I will be honest. I was hoping for a girl. Sounds hypocritical right? To have a gender preference and not want my child's life to be defined by gender? But, it's not that I wanted a feminine child. It's not that I wanted a child who wears pink, does exclusively ballet, and grows up to be a homemaker. And, in the same vein, it's not that my fear in having a boy is that he will be a masculine boy.  I did want a girl for the fact that I am a girl and I feel like I know better how to relate to girls. But more than that, I was afraid to raise a boy. And possibly, not for the reasons...

One of the most surprising responses I have gotten so far from more than one person since announcing my pregnancy has been something along the lines of "is it difficult being pregnant here/there (meaning in Rwanda)"? My automatic thought is..."uhhh I don't think it's any different than being pregnant anywhere else." Although I have no other frame of reference. So this blog post might be a lot less exciting than you were expecting. BUT I have been watching so many video blogs and reading so many forums that, now, I feel like I want to write about what it has been like for me so far. Just to warn you...it's probably pretty boring stuff.  Numbered lists always make things more fun to read so I'll do it this way: My top 10 things funny things about being pregnant [in Rwanda] so far. And how about this? For each point I will give you a takeaway (which may be useful or may not be relevant to you at all). 1.  Morning sickness was not what I expecte...

In the US, the phrase has become a cliche.  It's synonymous with "The Land of Opportunity".  It was on a poster in at least one of my teachers' classrooms every year of grade school. It's every baby-boomer parent's dream for their child. It's the millennial battlecry.  "Be Yourself"  (or "bee yourself" when the poster had an illustration of a bee on it). I grew up to this mantra playing on repeat in the back of my mind. I continually strove to live up to this no-standard standard. I never tried to be trendy, and, as a matter of fact, I tried to be as un-trendy as possible. I always spoke my mind. I never pretended to be happy if I wasn't. I admitted proudly to others that I didn't like meeting people. To clarify, I didn't just happen to be that way out of nowhere. Much of this attitude came about because I was picked on in elementary school, and I quickly realised that popular, trendy kids were not going to like me. It...