What Gender Revealed

Two weeks ago today, I had my latest prenatal doctor's appointment. We found out we're having a boy. We haven't made any public announcements. We've just told family. And this would have been the case if it had been a girl, too, I think. My own personal reasoning for this is simply that I don't want my child's gender to be at the center of their identity. 

But, I will be honest. I was hoping for a girl. Sounds hypocritical right? To have a gender preference and not want my child's life to be defined by gender? But, it's not that I wanted a feminine child. It's not that I wanted a child who wears pink, does exclusively ballet, and grows up to be a homemaker. And, in the same vein, it's not that my fear in having a boy is that he will be a masculine boy. 

I did want a girl for the fact that I am a girl and I feel like I know better how to relate to girls. But more than that, I was afraid to raise a boy. And possibly, not for the reasons you might think. I know that right now there's a lot of sensitivity around the topic of sexual assault and the sad truth that many men treat women as if they have an inherent right to take advantage of women. But I'm not exactly afraid that my son will turn into one those men because I fully intend to raise him better than that from the very beginning. But, here's the thing: that involves teaching him certain things that some might consider the opposite of what it means to be a man. There are a lot of subtle messages that some may not even realise contribute to boys growing to feel entitled to a woman's time, attention and body. What I am actually afraid of is that, in raising a boy, I will get a lot more criticism for raising him the way I personally believe to be right than I would for doing the same with a girl.

I realised this after the previous appointment which left us with an inconclusive, but boy-leaning, ultrasound. It wasn't certain, but still, I cried. I felt terrible for crying. I personally know and believe that both boys and girls can be so different than what we assume them to be. So why was I so scared of having a boy?

Before I go into detail, let me just note that this is all coming from my experience as an American, growing up in an American (specifically southern) family and attending American schools. And what I have experienced is this:

In so many ways the world is skewed in favor of men. If you disagree, well...I strongly believe you are wrong. If you think men have it harder now because they can't control women as easily anymore then I have no interest in explaining this to you. But let me be clear, I believe that this mainly applies to men who subscribe to what society deems to be masculine. 

And actually...I believe that life is much harder for men who deviate from gender norms than it is for women who deviate from gender norms. 

I was a somewhat atypical young girl. I was made fun for it, too. But I wasn't beaten to a pulp. I wasn't physically assaulted in any way. And there were still enough other kids out there willing to accept me that I had a friend or two at most times. On top of that, in my schools at least, I rarely, if ever, heard of a girl being ridiculed for being too athletic or being into "boyish" activities or even dressing too masculine. 

Let's look at the other side of the coin then...

In the US, If a boy grows up to fight, play sports, hide his feelings, play with "action figures" and not "dolls" (same thing by the way), treat girls as weaker people who need their help, then, yeah, people will pretty comfortably respect him or, at the very least, accept him.

But if a boy learns to be gentle, takes up, say, handcrafts (or God forbid, DANCE), plays pretend with baby dolls, and treats girls like his equals who are just as smart and capable as he is, suddenly so many people are made uncomfortable by him (kids and adults alike). For that matter, if a boy is simply academic instead of athletic, suddenly he's an oddity! So much so that not only does he get made fun of for all of this, he is physically bullied and his peers vehemently campaign to alienate him and even alienate those who associate with him. And then, his parents get blamed for that happening to him because they raised him to be this way. 

And, without going into detail, I've already heard some of these very sentiments that I was afraid of within days of finding out that we're having a boy, without any prompting from me on the subject.

No I'm not planning on putting him in dress (although, so what!? It's clothing! Until about the last 50 years, both girls and boys wore dresses at one point or another), and no I'm not planning on calling him Suzy, putting bows in his hair, or forcing him to do exclusively "girly" activities (for the record, I don't plan on forcing him to do exclusively "boyish" things either...key word being "forcing"). I just plan on letting him be a child and not scolding him or "correcting" his behavior if he decides to play with a baby doll (having a son who is excited to be an involved daddy!?? Yes, please!). I just plan on listening to him and encouraging him to express his feelings clearly instead of telling him "Stop crying! Boys don't cry!" I just plan on making sure he knows that, if a little girl (or boy) asks him not to cross a personal boundary, he better darn well keep his hands to himself! And you best believe I will never tell him to HARASS a girl to express that he likes her! (Seriously!? where did that twisted idea come from!??)

Like I said, it has nothing to do with wanting a feminine child. And just so we're clear, those qualities I listed above are NOT synonymous with either femininity or masculinity. They are the characteristics of a good, well rounded HUMAN! What I really want, if I am having a son, is to be able to teach him the things that I believe in my core to be right without ridicule from my friends or family. And, better yet, I want my son to feel comfortable in his own skin without other adults encouraging him to be more like the version of masculinity that I believe is toxic and harmful.

I think these days, we are generally learning to applaud parents for raising strong women, and we are crediting more and more women for overcoming gender stereotypes to become leaders and game-changers. But I believe that this is partially because it is still somewhat of a phenomenon. And we are living in a time of praising sensation. But when a man is the nurse instead of the doctor, the assistant instead of the CEO, or the quiet introvert instead of the boisterous extrovert, it is treated as a failure to achieve the "goal."  

But when our son is older and he is working toward whatever dream he might have, perhaps even struggling to do so, and I can look back and know that through it all he has remained a gentle, understanding, kind boy, THAT is what will make me one proud mama! I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about it. I will feel immensely more disappointed if he becomes a star athlete but does not stand up against sexual misconduct, if he builds a thriving business but does not treated his entry-level employees as equal, valuable humans, if he gets married, stays faithful to the same partner and has kids but chastises his own son for not being "manly" enough. Those, to me, would be failures.

Now, let me swoon a bit. I am thrilled to be having our son. And I am particularly thrilled because of the person I made him with, and the person I will be raising him with. I don't think my husband analyzes all of this nearly as much as I do (one of the reasons I think we'll make a good team), but he is inherently the exact type of man I would want as the example for our son. He just is. He might get a little uncomfortable with me talking him up on social media so I won't get too specific, but, if you know him, you understand what I mean. 

Ultimately, we are his parents. Ultimately, I will love him in the way I believe is true, compassionate love, not conditional love. And, ultimately, I am just so excited to see what kind of big human this little human will grow into!