One whole year! That's how long I've been living in Kigali. Technically I arrived on November 1st last year, but I didn't actually stay on my own (well, with my husband, that is) until we got married, and our Anniversary was two Mondays ago.
One year living away from home can teach you a lot. It can teach you a lot about your surroundings and other people within them, but, I find that even more than that, it can teach you vast amounts about yourself. I wanted to write a post about all the main lessons I've learned in a year of being here, but as I began writing (like two weeks ago) I found that each point kept expanding. So over the next few weeks I will enlighten you one lesson at a time about my one year as a Rwandan Honey!
Lesson No. 1: No matter how much advice people give you or how wise said people may seem, "the one", "Mr./Mrs. right", your future spouse/partner, etc., will rarely be found by anyone's set of rules -- even your own.
I will be totally honest with you...I was low-key obsessed with figuring out who I was going marry since I don't even know when (but my guess is, before I even understood how sex worked). If I liked a boy, I would imagine the process playing out a little something like this: He would secretly notice me in the hallway at school (or at church, because, you know, it's a bonus if you snag a church boy), call me one random evening at my home (on my translucent-blue phone set that I felt so cool for having at the time) and he would tell me he was standing at my doorstep. I would open the door looking my absolute (but totally unintentional) best, and he would look deep into my eyes, admit his undying love for me (throwing in the part about me being different than any other girl he's ever met) and then KISS me! Woo! And then, of course, we would be engaged until we were both eighteen. And let me tell you, this dude in my head was, although of varying ethnic backgrounds from time to time, never a Rwandan (seeing as I had never met even one Rwandan until just before I met my husband). I'm not even exaggerating. This is how I pictured it.
But in all seriousness, I really thought the whole thing would be that simple. Better yet, I really thought that it was "supposed" to be that simple. I want to avoid throwing too much hostility toward my religious upbringing, because so much good has come from parts of it. But I will say that it played a pretty big role in my total misconception about how my future was supposed to look. Because marriage was holy. Because dating TOO long could lead to too much temptation which could eventually make me damaged goods. Because dating someone who's beliefs were even the slightest bit different than mine could corrupt me. Because the marriage would be over from the beginning if either of us had any romantic history to speak of before our relationship with each other.
These ideas continued to create the lens through which I would view any of my relationships even throughout my first couple of years in college. And of course the older I got the more...um...adult...I got. And the more adultly (?) my attraction towards guys became, the more in a hurry I was to snatch somebody who fit the profile and get hitched as to avoid any missteps on the straight and narrow path. Plus, it all sounded so nice and secure. No break-ups EVER!? Score!
As it turns out, it hadn't gone so seamlessly as I had imagined it would. But, also, as it turns out, i'm now very content with how all of my relationships up to now have happened. They all taught me something new about other people and especially about myself. None of them were totally unfair or dishonest to me. Each of them did the best they knew, and in each end, we found out we didn't fit. Of course, at those times, the endings felt much more dramatic, but I am, nevertheless, glad each of them happened and ended. And I am especially glad that this one didn't end.
Do you want to know what's so different about this one from ALL the other ones? Just before I had met my now husband, I had given up thinking I knew what I wanted and needed in a guy, I had given up thinking I even needed a guy in the first place and, best of all, I had stopped believing that my next relationship HAD to lead to marriage.
I had known him for a little while before I was even attracted to him. I had actually met him within a time span when I had met so many Rwandans (there were several of them studying at my college) that I can't remember when I actually met him for the very first time (which is odd, because he is quite memorable...and he had a big afro at the time). But I do remember our first long conversation and how easy he was to talk to. I remember how he laughed so hard when we watched Big Bang Theory together with a group and that I was so happy that somebody there enjoyed laughing out loud at comedy shows as much as I did. And I definitely remember the first time I danced with him. I never felt more comfortable, more respected, and more enjoyed by someone than I did then. All I knew is I wanted to keep dancing with that guy. I didn't know for how long.
And every time I had been reminded of my dreaded checklist of criteria, I would become nervous and back away because our relationship didn't look the way it was "supposed" to. But it was always a dance that brought us back together. It was a moment when I could just feel safe with him and know he was going to respect me no matter what, and I could look into his eyes and see that he genuinely appreciated me and that time right then and there. It was a moment that I wasn't calculating which aspects of our relationship were lining up by the book.
And eventually I got totally comfortable taking it day by day, learning more, and loving more. Things came up (like a giant one-way ticket taking him all the way back home to Rwanda, for instance) that could have taken us our separate ways, but with every hurdle we just kept asking the question to ourselves, "is staying together worth dealing with this struggle?" And every time the answer turned out to be "yes", we were brought closer to the point where we were realizing that we would just rather continue to do this life together rather than apart.
DISCLAIMER: Of course, there are some details you might want to make sure you are on the same (or roughly the same) page about, especially before you get married, and kids is a BIG one! But you have to remember that just because you can check that off of a list along with all your other criteria, it doesn't necessarily mean the person is good for you. "Unfortunately" (as I would have seen it before) I had to just keep on spending time with him and get to know him and take the risk that we might run into a wall that was too tough to get over. But, wow, that risk was SO worth taking! And I think those BIG issues become much easier to sort out, and compromise on if need be, the more you come to appreciate the other person and trust in their strength of character. Which brings me to...
DISCLAIMER No. 2: I'm not at all saying that there aren't some relationships out there that go horribly wrong. None of mine really did, but some REALLY do. Rather, I would like to think that in viewing relationships in this way, someone can realize that another person is not worth totally giving up their self-respect and safety because "he/she was supposed to be the one!" I believe you have full power to get out if you are being hurt and manipulated and taken advantage of. And you are not a failure if you had to end it. If anything you are a warrior! The reality is, some people are sneaky. And ALL people change. Most of us only want to let people see our good side, and some people are really good at doing that. But the bad will always come out eventually. So ALL relationships are a risk. And it's not your fault if you risked it on someone who deceived you.
So, basically, this is all to say, I can't wrap up this post with a nice, big, red bow and say, "there you have it! The keys to relationshipping!" I don't really KNOW whether my husband is the one that was divinely destined for me or not. I can't say there won't be obstacles in our future that we are totally unprepared for that could potentially break us up. But at this point, the more I continue to get to know my husband, the more I admire him and the more I can believe in us. And I think picking someone for whom your love and admiration continues to grow and, even more importantly, who's love for you continues to surprise you, definitely puts the odds in your favor. It's just like the rest of life: One big, scary adventure.
And for you reading, I hope all your loves are enriching, inspiring, and most of all challenging. I hope they drive you to be a better and even best version of you. And I hope that you, no matter how briefly at times, love in a way that will continue to shine a light in the hearts of those around you. And that, my friends, is by no means a failure.
One year living away from home can teach you a lot. It can teach you a lot about your surroundings and other people within them, but, I find that even more than that, it can teach you vast amounts about yourself. I wanted to write a post about all the main lessons I've learned in a year of being here, but as I began writing (like two weeks ago) I found that each point kept expanding. So over the next few weeks I will enlighten you one lesson at a time about my one year as a Rwandan Honey!
Lesson No. 1: No matter how much advice people give you or how wise said people may seem, "the one", "Mr./Mrs. right", your future spouse/partner, etc., will rarely be found by anyone's set of rules -- even your own.
I will be totally honest with you...I was low-key obsessed with figuring out who I was going marry since I don't even know when (but my guess is, before I even understood how sex worked). If I liked a boy, I would imagine the process playing out a little something like this: He would secretly notice me in the hallway at school (or at church, because, you know, it's a bonus if you snag a church boy), call me one random evening at my home (on my translucent-blue phone set that I felt so cool for having at the time) and he would tell me he was standing at my doorstep. I would open the door looking my absolute (but totally unintentional) best, and he would look deep into my eyes, admit his undying love for me (throwing in the part about me being different than any other girl he's ever met) and then KISS me! Woo! And then, of course, we would be engaged until we were both eighteen. And let me tell you, this dude in my head was, although of varying ethnic backgrounds from time to time, never a Rwandan (seeing as I had never met even one Rwandan until just before I met my husband). I'm not even exaggerating. This is how I pictured it.
But in all seriousness, I really thought the whole thing would be that simple. Better yet, I really thought that it was "supposed" to be that simple. I want to avoid throwing too much hostility toward my religious upbringing, because so much good has come from parts of it. But I will say that it played a pretty big role in my total misconception about how my future was supposed to look. Because marriage was holy. Because dating TOO long could lead to too much temptation which could eventually make me damaged goods. Because dating someone who's beliefs were even the slightest bit different than mine could corrupt me. Because the marriage would be over from the beginning if either of us had any romantic history to speak of before our relationship with each other.
These ideas continued to create the lens through which I would view any of my relationships even throughout my first couple of years in college. And of course the older I got the more...um...adult...I got. And the more adultly (?) my attraction towards guys became, the more in a hurry I was to snatch somebody who fit the profile and get hitched as to avoid any missteps on the straight and narrow path. Plus, it all sounded so nice and secure. No break-ups EVER!? Score!
As it turns out, it hadn't gone so seamlessly as I had imagined it would. But, also, as it turns out, i'm now very content with how all of my relationships up to now have happened. They all taught me something new about other people and especially about myself. None of them were totally unfair or dishonest to me. Each of them did the best they knew, and in each end, we found out we didn't fit. Of course, at those times, the endings felt much more dramatic, but I am, nevertheless, glad each of them happened and ended. And I am especially glad that this one didn't end.
Do you want to know what's so different about this one from ALL the other ones? Just before I had met my now husband, I had given up thinking I knew what I wanted and needed in a guy, I had given up thinking I even needed a guy in the first place and, best of all, I had stopped believing that my next relationship HAD to lead to marriage.
I had known him for a little while before I was even attracted to him. I had actually met him within a time span when I had met so many Rwandans (there were several of them studying at my college) that I can't remember when I actually met him for the very first time (which is odd, because he is quite memorable...and he had a big afro at the time). But I do remember our first long conversation and how easy he was to talk to. I remember how he laughed so hard when we watched Big Bang Theory together with a group and that I was so happy that somebody there enjoyed laughing out loud at comedy shows as much as I did. And I definitely remember the first time I danced with him. I never felt more comfortable, more respected, and more enjoyed by someone than I did then. All I knew is I wanted to keep dancing with that guy. I didn't know for how long.
And every time I had been reminded of my dreaded checklist of criteria, I would become nervous and back away because our relationship didn't look the way it was "supposed" to. But it was always a dance that brought us back together. It was a moment when I could just feel safe with him and know he was going to respect me no matter what, and I could look into his eyes and see that he genuinely appreciated me and that time right then and there. It was a moment that I wasn't calculating which aspects of our relationship were lining up by the book.
And eventually I got totally comfortable taking it day by day, learning more, and loving more. Things came up (like a giant one-way ticket taking him all the way back home to Rwanda, for instance) that could have taken us our separate ways, but with every hurdle we just kept asking the question to ourselves, "is staying together worth dealing with this struggle?" And every time the answer turned out to be "yes", we were brought closer to the point where we were realizing that we would just rather continue to do this life together rather than apart.
DISCLAIMER: Of course, there are some details you might want to make sure you are on the same (or roughly the same) page about, especially before you get married, and kids is a BIG one! But you have to remember that just because you can check that off of a list along with all your other criteria, it doesn't necessarily mean the person is good for you. "Unfortunately" (as I would have seen it before) I had to just keep on spending time with him and get to know him and take the risk that we might run into a wall that was too tough to get over. But, wow, that risk was SO worth taking! And I think those BIG issues become much easier to sort out, and compromise on if need be, the more you come to appreciate the other person and trust in their strength of character. Which brings me to...
DISCLAIMER No. 2: I'm not at all saying that there aren't some relationships out there that go horribly wrong. None of mine really did, but some REALLY do. Rather, I would like to think that in viewing relationships in this way, someone can realize that another person is not worth totally giving up their self-respect and safety because "he/she was supposed to be the one!" I believe you have full power to get out if you are being hurt and manipulated and taken advantage of. And you are not a failure if you had to end it. If anything you are a warrior! The reality is, some people are sneaky. And ALL people change. Most of us only want to let people see our good side, and some people are really good at doing that. But the bad will always come out eventually. So ALL relationships are a risk. And it's not your fault if you risked it on someone who deceived you.
So, basically, this is all to say, I can't wrap up this post with a nice, big, red bow and say, "there you have it! The keys to relationshipping!" I don't really KNOW whether my husband is the one that was divinely destined for me or not. I can't say there won't be obstacles in our future that we are totally unprepared for that could potentially break us up. But at this point, the more I continue to get to know my husband, the more I admire him and the more I can believe in us. And I think picking someone for whom your love and admiration continues to grow and, even more importantly, who's love for you continues to surprise you, definitely puts the odds in your favor. It's just like the rest of life: One big, scary adventure.
And for you reading, I hope all your loves are enriching, inspiring, and most of all challenging. I hope they drive you to be a better and even best version of you. And I hope that you, no matter how briefly at times, love in a way that will continue to shine a light in the hearts of those around you. And that, my friends, is by no means a failure.
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